"It's a little bit like you're drunk"

Said one of the MANY Dr.s I've seen this past month....

 

"YES!"  I thought... "that's IT!"  That's what it's like.

Allow me to explain.

Since my thyroid has been completely removed I am hypothyroid (under active, in my case non-existant, thyroid).  This comes with a myriad of symptoms, some of which combine to give a 'little bit drunk' feeling.

I see your half smile.  Giggle even.

But it's horrible.  Lightheaded.  Forgetful.  Can't think clearly.  A feeling I can only describe with a word I may have just made up:  slumpy.  Heck, I'm not allowed to drive a car.  Literally.  And I'm forgetful.  Did I mention that already?  I was already a little spacy, in a leaving my socks around all the time kind of way... but now it's aggrivating. 

On top of being drunk all the time I'm experiencing a whole host of other random symptoms..to many to try and remember and list here - mixed with moments, sometimes even an hour or afternoon- where I'm totally normal.

SO, I never know. 

But I have to take care of two small children, run a household (Sebas helps SO MUCH), learn new things and go to more appointments than I even have before.  OH, AND make a huge decision about my course of treatment... while drunk.  I hate it.

You see, in order for one treatment option to work, I have to be basically super hypothyroid.  If I decide against it (this particular treatment) I can start the journey of taking thyroid replacement pills and hopefully feel normal relatively quickly.

In the meantime things like this happen.  All mom's know when you find the espresso can in the kids play area to check it.  I just held it upside down a shook it, without looking inside.  Then proceeded to make my once a month or so decaffinated espresso.  Big mistake. 

Mixed with all this, my grief for Saranda's death sneeks in and pops up very quickly and intensly.  Like, oh yeah, gotta figure out all this crap AND my daughter died 3 months ago.  BAM!  sobbing.  I'm seeing a therapist, and it really helps... but honestly - it's all just a bit too much at the moment. 

 I feel a decision coming soon.  I'm close.  I think deep down I know my answer already, but I meet a few more people (gen. practitioner, homeopathic practitioner, oncologist, theapist) and by the end of next week.... I should know. 

I can't believe this is my life right now.

The boys are doing really quite well.  I hate being so busy with all these appointments but it helps me be more thankful for the time I have with them.  They're just so cute.  (pic above was a recent holiday here called St. Martin, where all the kids go on a lantern parade...)

 Anjun is nose deep in the why phase.  The other day I told him I love him randomly, and he said 'why mama'... I was taken aback.  uh, I never really questioned why I love you, I just do.  But there's a million reasons why I love that kid.  Oh, and he's a big ol' 4 year old now!!

 Marlo says (in a half german, half english sentance) "mama and papa are ah-ways ah-ways here foo youuu".  This came about after a frequent night waking period he had and me constantly saying that we were always here, and therefor he doesnt have to wake up so freakin much and call us into his room just to see that we're here!

Sebas is so amazing.  He helps out without complaining around the house, arranges schedules and kids to drive me to appointments... tries to get stuff done on the computer and ends up helping me research different cancer studies and treatments.  I'm grateful every day.  It's too bad we're so stressed at the moment, sometimes we get caught up in trying to do too much and don't get to connect.  Normal I guess in such a situation.

 

 

I hope we celebrate Thanksgiving next week, would be cool.  Maybe we get together with some neighbors.  

 

Otherwise the business that I'm afraid will linger until after the holidays has begun.  For you all I'm sure too. 

 

Let's all be grateful for what we have.  

 

Much love, from the Weddings!!