In the clear.... whew.

Just laying around, killin' time. 

ok, so, if you want the short 'n sweet: body scan clear, tumor marker also clear.  I'm clear.  In the clear.  Yes, feel free to do your happy dance if you like.  I did.  After crying of course. 

Aaaaaaaand here's where the cancer patient/Doctor has to insert the whole, yes, prognosis couldn't look better BUT we have to do the tumor marker test every 6 months for 5 years blah blah blah.... whatever.

Aaaaaaaand there's technically one other tumor marker test I have to do (a different, newer one) to compare to my last one and that has to also be clear, or at least better.  I think I'll do that one right before my B-day in May.  Then I get to really celebrate.  Again.

Had champagne last night.  And I'm not gunna lie-  I smoked a cigar too.  (Didn't inhale and didn't finish it, more of a symbolic gesture.)

I'm just so FREAKING HAPPY!

Breakfast is served.

Longer version of the story:

Went to hospital Friday thinking I take a pill in the afternoon, do a scan the next day (Sat) and go home.  Then they inform me, that by law I have to stay 48 hours after swallowing something radioactive.  And since that 48 hours is up on a Sunday, when there's no Dr.'s around to discharge, I'll stay till Monday.

I was caught off guard.  A bit pissed at the system etc.  But blew it off fast.  It is what it is.

SO, new plan.  Swallow radioactive pill Friday afternoon, wait around my room all weekend (I was allowed 'outside' Sunday so I got some fresh air at least) and do one body scan Monday morning, meet 2 min with Dr, go home by 9am.

Monday morning I go get my 15 minute laying-as-still-as-you-can scan at 8am.  Come back to my room, bags packed, Sebas on the way to pick me up, thinking I'll see the Dr in a matter of minutes and be released.

While in the hallway to drop off my empty water bottle n whatnot, I see the Head Doctor.  I met him the very first time I was considering doing RAI.  And I'll just say, from my long list of direct questions, he remembered me.  Also, a few months ago when I actually did the RAI treatment he was answering quite some questions from me as he did rounds one day.  But walking down the hallway I didn't say more than 'good morning' to him.  I'm on my way outta here.  Who wants to small talk?

Then, after having done the body scan a nurse comes in the room.  I'm expecting her to say 'the Dr will see you now'... and she says 'in 15 minutes you can go downstairs for a second scan'.

SECOND SCAN!?  uh, what?  No one ever said anything about a second scan.  I asked why.  She said she didn't know.  I said I would like to know why.  She said she didn't know and just knows the Head of the Department ordered it.

"  'the F%*$ you mean second scan?"

Uh, are you KIDDING me?

Insert freak out.



Thankfully, literally 2 min later another Dr came in and said that the Head Dr saw me and knew he wanted to be able to answer all my questions... a second scan will be done, a close up, of just the thyroid area, to 'put me at ease'.... there's no indication for anything negative, this is just to make sure.

Goodbye huge hospital room.  Good riddance!

ok.  Freak out over.  And after a few minutes of reflection... it's actually nice.  Almost sweet that he ordered the extra scan.  Like, so we can say, LOOK, see!?  RIGHT THERE.  It's OK.  Yeah, then my cynical part piped in 'they probably get more money for another scan' blah blah.  But I didn't care.

Second scan done, talked to Dr.  Prognosis couldn't be better.

I come back in my room to pick up my bags in go... my roomy was still there and obviously knows everything... I'm like BALLING crying and she thinks the worst.  I can tell by her face.  And I just blurt out: 'Everything's ok!'

Everything is OK. 

Thank you to those who kept me in your thoughts.  Everything is going to be ok.  And what comes up when I type that.  'would only be better if Saranda was here'...

I love you all.

Stacy

Clinic stay, Aquarium and other news

So, this is what happens when I "do yoga" at home. (pic right)

I think you all know why the words -do yoga- are in quotes.

But I get ahead of myself.  This Friday I have the honor of going to the hospital for a night.  This is a planned stay.  Long story short: I have to swallow a pill so they can do a body scan and see - like really see - that the radioactive iodine therapy worked.  100%.  Then I can do the old, standard, tumor marker test.  It's kinda a big deal.



That is, of course, the best case scenario.  It could go differently, depending on what exactly they see.  But I'm just going to leave that at that and expect the best.  With a folded up piece of paper in my bag that has all the questions on it for other scenarios, that I will never actually need cuz the best case scenario is the one that will happen.



And here's my box of pills/vitamins/supplements/essential oils/probiotics blah blah blah.  (above pic)  fun huh?

So, we went to the Aquarium.  The kids LOVED it, of course.  And besides the guilt that follows seeing captured creatures put on display for our amusement and feeling like a cattle lead to slaughter (lay out of the building is only one way through from beginning to end)... we enjoyed it too. 

They're just so gosh darn cute.  I'm slowly getting better at realizing just how precious this age is... I hope not too slow.  Otherwise I'll miss it.  They start to really surprise me with what they know/figure out/ask. 

I feel like maybe I should be a little bit more freaked out about this whole thing I'm going to do Friday... and I feel more emotions and stuff coming up as I get closer... AND having, basically, NO thyroid hormones doesn't help.  But, at least the weather has been nice.  Man, when I get outside, kick off my shoes and can just sit in the sun I'm like a whole new person. 

I even got to grill!  Everyone laughed... haha, yes, the American has to grill on the first sunny day.  Yeah.  And!?  I remember Sebastian telling me the weather would be beautiful on Friday (the day we ended up grilling) and I told him... "you know what I'm going to do if the weather is really that nice, right?"  He, laughed, rolled his eyes, and then in all seriousness said something like "I know honey, we'll grill."  I love him so much.

I'll update briefly when I'm home on what the outcome of my Clinic stay was.

Much love
Stacy

5 days left (then I'll stop bugging you all!)

 ONLY 5 DAYS to meet the fundraising goal... we could do it!  If we all give it one more big push... share...donate-what-you-can.... please help!!!!

Pleeeeeeease!

https://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/stacy-needs-your-help-healing-from-cancer-and-loss-of-child-/312142
 Stacy's fundraising page


It was crazy windy today.  So, we went and flew kites.  Anjun was really into it, and doing good... Marlo... well, thankfully I tied the kite string around his waist... otherwise we would have lost that kite.  The neighbor cat distracted him, and off he went.  

 There they are on one of our inside days (they got ANOTHER cold... and the weather has been hit or miss for afternoon outside play) believe it or not, they're playing on their computors.  Or, as they put it, COMpuuuutoor.  Busy busy. 

Then there's the 'helping' papa moments... what could have been a quick sink repair turned into, well, tools being grabbed and run around with... VERY close observation... and many other welcomed distractions.  Ended in, well, see the pic below. 

On a personal note, I'm feeling the affects of lowering my thryroid hormone (gotta go to the hospital again in a few weeks for a test that is only accurate when I have, basically no thyroid hormone).  It's probably going to be a little rough these next few weeks.  But Easter will keep us busy... then I have to just make sure I don't break anything or freak out.  Sounds easy, right!

I'm so appreciative of all of you.  You've all given me so much support... we might not get to the goal... but we'll figure something out.  Things always work out.  We've made it this far...

And really, besides the symptoms from my thryroid hormones (which should get better shortly after the hospital stay mid April)... I'm really doing ok.  I've kind of been shaken these past months.  Hard.  And, in a way, I'm waking up.  And although it sucks, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, and it's been really, REALLY horrible...I'm being changed by it.  For the better.  Looking deeper.  Feeling deeper.  Finding purpose.  Dealing with things.  There are moments where it feels really good.

I'm going to take a little Easter break, and will be back in a few weeks.

Happy spring time and Easter to you all, here's the link one more time if you want to donate or see how far we've come.

https://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/stacy-needs-your-help-healing-from-cancer-and-loss-of-child-/312142 

LOVE,
Stacy

 

It's almost April by the way...

Soooo, we all just got over one of those stuff coming out both ends/just wanna eat toast viruses.  It was... horrible.  But, we're over it.  And now I'm behind.... on even more than before.

Normal.  I think as a stay at home mom it's normal to be behind.  The perfect balance of giving the kids attention, cleaning, organizing, going outside, meditation, working out, weekly shopping, playing, teaching and everything else that comes with this job just, well, doesn't happen a lot.

And now that we're back to 'normal' (if you can say that after loosing a child and being diagnosed with cancer) Marlo has a cold... and I have to start the 4 week journey of depriving my body of the thyroid hormones it needs to function normally so I can go mid April to the hospital again for another test.

Yeah. 

(The test is only accurate when I have basically no thyroid hormone... they have to do a body scan and make sure ALL thyroid cells were killed by the radioactive iodine I swallowed in Jan. and only then can they do the old, standard, not very accurate BUT we have to do it anyway tumor marker test.)

I'm about one week in (two weeks very low hormone doses and two weeks none at all)... and I gotta say, I'm not looking forward to this.  But I'm also working through some anger at the moment... angry that I don't have a thyroid.  That I have/had cancer.  That my baby died. 

But I'm taking lots of steps to help release all these heavy emotions.  They'll probably always be there... but in manageable doses would be nice. It's actually gotten better already.  Just, slowly.  We all think that one day you'll wake up and XYZ will be better.  Cured.  All gone.  But that's not how it works... most things need time.  And lots of it.

And by the way, did you know it's almost April!?  April.  That just seems crazy.  But I'm looking forward to this spring and summer.  Lots of family time.  Therapy.  More and more sun shine. 

We've only got 9 more days for the fundraiser... let's give it one more big push and see if we can get to the goal... or at least close to it.  We've already been able to pay a bunch of bills, which is a huge relief. 

https://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/stacy-needs-your-help-healing-from-cancer-and-loss-of-child-/312142

Thank you all, for all that you've done.  We couldn't be more grateful. 

(New pics next time I promise!!)

All our love,

Stacy Wedding and family. 

Guest Post from my Big Sis!

Me and my beautiful big sis, who flew to Germany FOR A WEEKEND to be my maid of honor...! Fall 2010

We've been sick.  With a horrible virus.  But we're getting better, finally!  Just falling a bit behind with everything... so my big sis is helping me out with a guest blog post.  She's the best.  Thanks again Anne, I love you!

Enjoy:

On a personal note, I am Stacy’s older sister and I can’t imagine being strong enough to make all of the choices she has had to make AND deal with what “life” has thrown her way. 

Keeping in touch with skype!! Christmas 2013

Way back to the summer of 2010 Stacy made the tough/easy choice of leaving everything she had known as a life and family in the United States to join her wonderful husband, Sebastian, in what is now their homeland of Germany.  It was the beginning of not just one but many journeys- partnership, motherhood, joining a new family, new civil society, learning the language, etc. And through it all, Stacy and Sebastian have made a loving environment for each other and their children.  Germany offers them so many opportunities to raise an amazing family and be in love, but leaving your homeland and family behind – WHEW, not easy!  I wonder if I could have done it all if “the shoe would have been on the other foot”.

Then, not too long ago, they also decided to add another dimension into their lives, trying out India as a place to raise a family.  A goal for both of them, they made it there, gave it an 100% (A+) effort, but decided that it was not the right time to move their family to this unique continent.  Again, such an amazing adventure, but I cannot imagine… India, although a very spiritual and healing place for their lifestyle, India does still have the plague so NO THANK YOU (my words, not Stacy’s or Sebastian’s words)!

Back to Germany to expand their family, and this time a beautiful baby girl, who unfortunately was not meant for our world.  Saranda’s birth and death was a journey I do NOT wish on anyone, but we are all so different because of it, I am not willing to “forget” about it.  The grief, the physical pain, exhaustion, and bleakness… just no words.  Lots and LOTS of wishing we could be there to give hugs, get hugs, give kisses, get kisses, share looks, hold hands, walk, talk, sing, maybe laugh, and definitely support the needs of the boys and their marriage. So hard, on many fronts, again, I do not wish it on anyone.

Then, throw in one more horrible revelation… the “c-word”… Cancer!  Feeling that your body has betrayed you twice within such a short amount of time has been so defeating for Stacy and her family.  We all know how well they take care of themselves and each other, for something like this to happen is just unimaginable.  Plus, to be so young and have so much going for you, none of us would have ever expected to be given this diagnosis.

Watching from afar, and loving oh so dearly, I truly appreciate the amazing, strong, considerate, and amenable woman my sister has become over the years.  For sure, as Stacy gets through this she will become even stronger (if not physically, certainly mentally) and I hope we can all continue to be a part of it.  For that reason and so many more, I hope each of us can share our love of and for Stacy by helping her raise the money she and her family need to be the  strongest, most courageous, and healthiest family they can be, this year and beyond.

 https://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/stacy-needs-your-help-healing-from-cancer-and-loss-of-child-/312142

Love to all, Heather Anne

 

Ups and downs. But mostly ups.

Been a little low these past few days... but no big crash like I've been kind of waiting for.  But in general, overall, doing much better. 

I had such a high point after the fundraising page was started... Amazing what happens when you open yourself up like that.  I'm just BLOWN AWAY when I think about all those who have shared, donated, written a note, sent us clothing for the boys, sent out emails and given in whatever way they could.  Wow.  I couldn't do this without YOU!  I hope you all know how much it means and how grateful we are.  It makes me cry... I'm just amazed.

And lightheaded... ugh.  Just the most recent symptom on a LONG list unfortunately.  But I get ahead of myself.   

 I think working on Saranda's gravestone has brought up some more stuff.  It felt so good.  But also so wrong.  I must have thought a thousand times "I wish I could have made so many other things for you Saranda... not this."  Is it weird that I think I actually didn't want to finish it?  We knew it would be done soon, and wanted to go work on it one more time... but I got a sick feeling in my stomach... wanted to put it off.  Then realized, it's just one more thing that makes it so real.  It happened.  My baby girl is gone. 

Here's us at the workshop where the gravestone will be finished. 

And, of course, the rough draft (pic below).

  My hand is on there to show you the scale.  I think it'll be pretty cool.  Can you believe, I wrote her name on there to get an idea of where it will be, and the guy who's finishing it for us said it looked great and that they could just use my handwriting as the template for carving... almost like I got to write her name on there.

I know, it's weird.  I'm 'showing off' my daughters gravestone.  Morbid?  Maybe.  But we like it.  As much as you can like a gravestone that is.

Random... we went to the airport the other day.  Wish we had a ticket somewhere... but nope.  Sebastians idea... the kids LOVED it.  Got to watch some planes take off, a helicoptor too.  Check out pic below - these kids even find a way to enjoy and play in the parking garage! 

Otherwise, like I said I'm doing better.  Really.  My mood is up a bit.  Energy too.  But MAN am I lightheaded!  Like, every time I stand up.  Every. Time.

AND, now that we might have found the right thyroid hormone amount (YAY!) I have to start next week cutting back to zero so I can go BACK to the hospital in April and do another test (which, of course, is only accurate if I have very VERY low thyroid hormone levels).  UGH!  More on that next time.

BUT, spring is coming!!!!

The sun is shining.

And I am just so grateful.  So so grateful.

Thank you.

Stacy 

On a positive note

Good news!

Not AS good as I wanted.  But it'll do for now.

 

(Pic: my happy face.)

SO, where to begin? ... This was the first tumor marker test done since undergoing Radioactive Iodine Therapy.  In my, innocent-cancer-patient-positive-outlook eyes I thought this would be the end all be all yes/no black/white, it worked or didn't work test.  BIG DEAL right?

Weeeellll, that's not how it works.  First thing you gotta know is there are two tumor marker tests.  The one I use at the moment is new, better, more specific and very accurate (for those who want to know: TKTL1 & Apo 10).  And when I met with the Dr yesterday he said the marker is down!!!!  In the normal perimeter!!!! 

GOOD NEWS!!!

It went down.  it's 'normal'...whew!  I would HOPE SO after swallowing radioactive iodine but don't get me started on that.

The thing is... my body needs time. Time to process, re-adjust and who knows what else (honestly I don't even understand 100% how all this is connected... but I know it is) to know FOR SURE those cancer cells are gone.

I told the Dr.: well, I would like to know when we can say "I'm cancer free"...

This is a tricky question, and I love to ask Doctors tricky questions.

His reply was, maybe this summer!

(pic:  Is it summer yet!?)

Did you see that "maybe"?  Yeah.  He wants to see the marker go down more, to the less than normal area - most importantly NOT go up... then there's the OTHER tumor marker test... that needs to be done (appointment for April- they wont do it before lots of other tests and that "time" thing has gone by.  Man, I need lots of this time thing!!)... oh, THEN they always gotta stick in some kind of disclaimer that reads: oh, and just so you know, it could come back so it's best that we wait 5 years - do tests every 6 months to make sure its not coming back - THEN, and only then, could we say your probably cancer free.

So....Big party.  My house.  In 2020!!!

ugh.

Really wanted some kind of clear, 100%, definitive answer.  Doesn't always happen huh?  Actually, I just wanted to celebrate.  Something.

I guess I can celebrate that I've been doing better, in general.  See those stairs (in the pic)?  I have to climb those to get to our apartment.  For months I had to take a break, or go REALLY slow.  And now, I can go up the stairs.  Like a normal person would.  Not fast.  Just normal.

And in I'm staying quite positive.  Mood is better.  Stickin to my Anti-Cancer diet... poppin thyroid pills every day... drinkin green juice.  And doing better... really.  No really.  I can finally say I feel like I've turned a corner.  A big, depressing, scary, LONG corner.

I'm just feeling like, SO grateful.  Thank you all!  So so much.

Love
Stacy