"It's a little bit like you're drunk"

Said one of the MANY Dr.s I've seen this past month....

 

"YES!"  I thought... "that's IT!"  That's what it's like.

Allow me to explain.

Since my thyroid has been completely removed I am hypothyroid (under active, in my case non-existant, thyroid).  This comes with a myriad of symptoms, some of which combine to give a 'little bit drunk' feeling.

I see your half smile.  Giggle even.

But it's horrible.  Lightheaded.  Forgetful.  Can't think clearly.  A feeling I can only describe with a word I may have just made up:  slumpy.  Heck, I'm not allowed to drive a car.  Literally.  And I'm forgetful.  Did I mention that already?  I was already a little spacy, in a leaving my socks around all the time kind of way... but now it's aggrivating. 

On top of being drunk all the time I'm experiencing a whole host of other random symptoms..to many to try and remember and list here - mixed with moments, sometimes even an hour or afternoon- where I'm totally normal.

SO, I never know. 

But I have to take care of two small children, run a household (Sebas helps SO MUCH), learn new things and go to more appointments than I even have before.  OH, AND make a huge decision about my course of treatment... while drunk.  I hate it.

You see, in order for one treatment option to work, I have to be basically super hypothyroid.  If I decide against it (this particular treatment) I can start the journey of taking thyroid replacement pills and hopefully feel normal relatively quickly.

In the meantime things like this happen.  All mom's know when you find the espresso can in the kids play area to check it.  I just held it upside down a shook it, without looking inside.  Then proceeded to make my once a month or so decaffinated espresso.  Big mistake. 

Mixed with all this, my grief for Saranda's death sneeks in and pops up very quickly and intensly.  Like, oh yeah, gotta figure out all this crap AND my daughter died 3 months ago.  BAM!  sobbing.  I'm seeing a therapist, and it really helps... but honestly - it's all just a bit too much at the moment. 

 I feel a decision coming soon.  I'm close.  I think deep down I know my answer already, but I meet a few more people (gen. practitioner, homeopathic practitioner, oncologist, theapist) and by the end of next week.... I should know. 

I can't believe this is my life right now.

The boys are doing really quite well.  I hate being so busy with all these appointments but it helps me be more thankful for the time I have with them.  They're just so cute.  (pic above was a recent holiday here called St. Martin, where all the kids go on a lantern parade...)

 Anjun is nose deep in the why phase.  The other day I told him I love him randomly, and he said 'why mama'... I was taken aback.  uh, I never really questioned why I love you, I just do.  But there's a million reasons why I love that kid.  Oh, and he's a big ol' 4 year old now!!

 Marlo says (in a half german, half english sentance) "mama and papa are ah-ways ah-ways here foo youuu".  This came about after a frequent night waking period he had and me constantly saying that we were always here, and therefor he doesnt have to wake up so freakin much and call us into his room just to see that we're here!

Sebas is so amazing.  He helps out without complaining around the house, arranges schedules and kids to drive me to appointments... tries to get stuff done on the computer and ends up helping me research different cancer studies and treatments.  I'm grateful every day.  It's too bad we're so stressed at the moment, sometimes we get caught up in trying to do too much and don't get to connect.  Normal I guess in such a situation.

 

 

I hope we celebrate Thanksgiving next week, would be cool.  Maybe we get together with some neighbors.  

 

Otherwise the business that I'm afraid will linger until after the holidays has begun.  For you all I'm sure too. 

 

Let's all be grateful for what we have.  

 

Much love, from the Weddings!!

This is going to be a long one....

My baby girl died. 

Just had my thyroid removed. 

Allow me to explain.

First, my little girl.  I began to have contractions on a Tuesday, off and on... not so intense.  At some point in the night they stopped.  I thought, 'either my baby comes soon or it'll be another week or two'.  I was 38 weeks pregnant.  Wednesday it was clear, the contractions started again and got longer, stronger and closer together. 

At about 3 or 4pm we headed to the birth center.  Excited to meet our baby soon.  We didn't know if we were having a boy or a girl.  I was so happy to be in labor.

After about an hour at the birth house it was clear we had to go to the hospital.  In this hour at the birthing center I must have hear a hundred times, 'I just have to find the heart beat Stacy, lets try this'... Didn't click that something might be wrong.  I was in labor land as it's been called. 

Honestly, I thought, 'just come on and find the stupid heart beat, and leave me alone to do my thing!'

Then at the hospital, pretty much fully dilated and between contractions they told me, my baby has died. 

About an hour later she was born.  A baby girl.  I wanted to be happy.  But I stayed in a state of shock for maybe 24 hours or so. 

LOTS of crying.


 A sadness and weeping that I had never known before would come and go.  I've heard people say before that loosing a child is the worst thing that could ever happen to someone.  Now I believe it.  Not so say I've experienced all the sorrow and devastating situations the world has to offer and death of a child was on the top.  I've had a relatively happy life full of first world problems.  But now, now I've experienced something that took me to horrible, nightmare like depths - but also brought with it an openness... a new perspective.  But mostly, I cry.

  On my way to trying to start to heal, recover, accept and move forward.  I was walking to my in-laws house.  Maybe I scratched my neck... maybe I just put my hand up on my throat for some other reason.  I felt a huge ball.  Like, golf ball sized but flattened and softer.  Panic froze me for a moment.  Even pulled my hand away.  Felt it again.  Yup, something is there.  Still.
  

Went that afternoon to my general practitioner, next day to a specialist, back to general practitioner, met a surgeon at a recommended hospital in Bonn.  Scheduled surgery.  Everyone was very clear.  I should have surgery, it's not commonly cancerous- but just to be sure.

I had, this whole time, a huge resistance to having surgery.  HUGE.  I wanted to go through this life without someone cutting me open, doing something/removing something, and closing me back up.  I would have liked to stay 'whole' as it were.  Who cares if I have some lump in my throat?  Dr.'s told me OVER 95% of these cysts aren't cancerous.
   

But, despite this huge resistance, I knew I would have the surgery.  And should have it.  Even a homeopathic practitioner and non-medical practitioner (natural healer) told me that sometimes surgery is the best.

OK, fine.  I show up to the hospital, expecting to sit around until afternoon when it's my turn.  Nope, I show up at just past 7am and am taken down to surgery at 7:25.  I'm reminded of being in the hospital for Saranda's birth and freak out a little bit.  A few times. 

I wake up and a few hours later meet the surgeon.  Should have known when he started with "At first everything went as planned...". 

(Did you hear that, 'At first...'?) 

Tumor.  Cancer.  Papillary carcinoma.  Whole thyroid and 7 lymph nodes were removed.  Somewhere in there he literally said "but this is the best cancer you can have".  Did he really say that?

You see, this cancer is, with radioactive iodine therapy, 97% treatable (some say higher numbers).  One of the best treatment rates with cancer.  But from the beginning I was given those same high numbers in percentages that it wouldn't be cancer in the first place!  PLUS, I have a general distrust of the medical field, seeing as how they are unfortunately influenced way too much by pharmaceuticals and, well, money. 

Sebastian and I are, I would say, very health conscious.  We have a green juice every day, eat only organic foods, barely any processed foods, no GMO foods - heck we even have an earthing mat we sleep on and avoid dairy and I only occasionally eat meat.

We've also learned about: intermittent fasting/High Intensity Interval Training, raw food benefits, avoiding all sugars (not just white, refined sugar but also fructose/fruit and carbohydrates), avoiding cosmetics and other poisons in -for example- fabrics, eating superfoods, affirmations, oil pulling, the power of yoga and meditation.... just to name a few.  Heck, we want to build an earthship, grow all our own foods and live off the grid (producing all our own energy).  

But now, I have a strong desire to incorporate all of this, 100% into my life.  I was more like a 50-80% before.  One of the things that changes when you have a family/loved one.... you start to live for them.  I don't want to leave my children.  Not yet.  So I will get second, maybe third opinions from the medical field - and take what non-biased advice I can find.  Ask lots of questions.  Research studies and look at who paid for said studies.  Follow conventional/medical therapies that are proven to work, but also include supplements, natural remedies, therapies and whatever else I can find (and afford) so as to heal more holistically.

I told you this would be long!

Thank you for reading.  I can't believe the love/notes/thoughts I've been surrounded with these past few months.  I am humbled by those who take a moment, just to leave a quick comment, note, email... say a prayer, send good thoughts - just for little ol' me.  I can't express with words how much each and every one of them means to me.

Love you all.

Stacy

   

Links for all that stuff I mentioned Sebas and I have learned about, in case you want to learn more too:

Medical Research cover ups (one of the, unfortunatly, MANY cover ups of natural cures vs. pharmasudicals): http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2014/10/18/laetrile-cancer-research-cover-up.aspx?e_cid=20141018Z2_DNL_art_1&utm_source=dnl&utm_medium=email&utm_content=art1&utm_campaign=20141018Z2&et_cid=DM57865&et_rid=697651624

Natural cures vs Medical cures (free screening):  http://www.thesacredscience.com/screening1/

Juicing - http://foodmatters.tv/articles-1/juicing-vs-blending-which-one-is-better  and a free movie about juicing that airs this week: https://www.fmtv.com/live/?utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=FM%20NL%20-%20October%2015%202014&utm_content=FM%20NL%20-%20October%2015%202014+CID_88566251562fffc0408ee79681df3dd4&utm_source=Campaign%20Monitor%20Email%20Marketing&utm_term=Find%20out%20more%20about%20this%20free%20online%20event%20here

GMO dangers- http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2014/10/11/gmo-food-labeling.aspx

earthing - http://www.earthing.com/Default.asp

Intermittent fasting/HIIT - http://fitness.mercola.com/sites/fitness/archive/2014/09/26/intermittent-fasting-hiit-workout.aspx

raw food/superfoods - http://www.thebestofrawfood.com/super-foods.html  -or-  www.davidwolfe.com  -or-  www.longevitywarehouse.com

oil pulling:  http://foodmatters.tv/articles-1/the-7-health-benefits-of-oil-pulling

earthship - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jnkv_qj1xUc

The most horrible news....

I'm not quite sure how to do this.


In fact, at the moment, I'm unsure of how to go about most things.

I had  other plans for this next post....For the future.... Now it's all changed.


Our beautiful baby.  Our baby girl... that we were waiting for.... she arrived.  But before she arrived she died.

 Maybe someday I can write about what happened.  Share more.  For now the struggle is too immense, the pain too deep, emotions too high.




It's all just a little bit too much.

Saranda Marie Wedding
born (stillbirth) 23 of July 2014
6:39pm
20 inches
6.5 pounds

We will be having the funeral this coming Wednesday, to say goodbye to our little girl.  Whom we love so greatly. 


Please keep us and our family in your thoughts and prayers.


Won't be writing for quite a while on here.


The Weddings

Special visitors....

Holy crap... JUST getting this posted in time so the date still reads June. Not proud about that, but that's just how things are at the moment. We had some pretty special  visitors last month. That's right, Grandma and Grandpa flew in from the states. Two weeks of constant playmates, helpers, adventures and excursions spoiled us and our two boys.  

Here we are awaiting the big arrival...  we basically woke up, got ready and went to the airport.  That way we could go to the observation deck, watch planes come and go, walk around and let the boys really get into the whole experience.  

Then came the gifts!  These boys are so spoiled by their grandparents.   Toys, bubbles, stuffed animals, puzzles and activities just to name a few of the things they brought with them.  We're still, one month later, enjoying the things the brought. 

Then there was also the triple birthday in there somewhere... . For those of you who don't know Sebastian and i have the same birthday (one year apart) and Sebas is a twin, so it makes for a big day to say the least.  This year we turned 95 years old.  Sounds old right?  Well,  I'm a year younger than them, maybe you can do the math... 

 

Otherwise we were busy with A bicycle tour day, a zoo day...an after noon on a boat, an outdoor historical museum day, some breaks sprinkled in there with little projects at home or shopping together and some relaxing too...

Then there's the tower....

 Sebas got a play tower for the boys back when he worked at the local Home Improvement store.  We didn't have room for it at the time, but it was a great deal so it sat in a garage until now.  Maybe... two years???  Crazy.  Oh, and by play tower, I mean a huge pile of wood, some screws/random hardware, and a picture of what it should look like.  Didn't even include the slide that it would normally have been sold with.  

 

SO, just leave it to two carpenters, the pieced that thing together (keep in mind, NO instructions, what men use those silly things anyway!?) and I gotta say, it looks great.  The boys LOVE it, of course. 

And, somehow fitting to such a project, there were a few hardware pieces that we had to figure out what they could be used for... and left over wood.  (!) 

aaahhh.... we don't need it anyway.  (Sebas says, they're just so good, they didn't need all those extra pieces anyway.)  Looks just like in the picture!


After my parents left, it was back to normal... slowly but surely.  Sebas is figuring out when he starts a new educational program (actually two) that will complement his Integral Master Coach Certification and really take his profession and career opportunities to a new level.

Oh, right, and the baby!  More on baby and pregnancy next time.... I'm getting so big, and uncomfortable - getting to that phase of the pregnancy for sure...  needless to say, baby is growing and we're staying healthy.

Lots of love
The Weddings.

Spring, Easter, my beautiful boys!

Nice weather brings on the urge to do more in the yard and gardens.  Thankfully there's a huge pile of dirt, aka: the construction site, that has the boys pretty busy.   Sometimes they even 'help' me with yard work.  (All parents of small children know why help is in quotes in that last sentence.)











Playing inside.....  (omg, could you get any CUTER!???)

Then there was the Easter preparations... making and coloring cut out cookies with vegan sugar free frosting (yes, it was still very tasty)....

Coloring Easter eggs.....

Not bad for all natural dye.

Easter egg hunt, brunch, snacks, another Easter egg hunt.....

And chocolate pudding.


What a day.

My boys are so adorable!! 


Baby number three is growing bigger, stronger, and so am I.  Well, bigger.  Not so much stronger!  I'm pretty exhausted most of the time, and getting to the point of the pregnancy where I'm annoyed that I can't do everything I want to.  Gotta start listening to my body though, and slowly take it easy.

I've almost made it to the third trimester!!!  Sometimes I'm impatient to meet the new baby. 

But I've got plenty to keep me busy... my parents arrive in a week and a half! 

Projects, preparations and at the moment two boys with runny noses will do.

Love you all!
The Weddings

March/April Goodness

We went on a trip this past weekend, to Austria to visit friends for their new baby's baptism.... the kids did AMAZING on the trip.  The 7 hour drive there (with two short breaks) went smooth as silk, Marlo even napped!  The last hour everyone was done with driving... but that's pretty normal.



We arrived for our extended weekend at their farm and the boys were in love.




New toys everywhere.....

A tractor to ride on!!!  Below:  Anjun and his playmate for the weekend.  The weather was even pretty good, just one day with some rain.

OMG, check out Sebastian and his new Goddaughter!  She is so cute, and Sebastian is honored with his new role.... he would be such an amazing Papa to a baby girl.



Meanwhile Anjun and his playmate found worms, played in the sandbox, explored the farm, fed the goats, chased chickens......




AND....

Got to ride on a real tractor!!!!!  Nice and loud, old and wobbly at that.  A dream come true.

Beautiful lake nearby with a view of the Alps... it was a very nice weekend of catching up.

Marlo, before the trip, got a well overdo ... well.... new 'do!  It was borderline mullet.  (shorter in the top/front, quite long in the back)  so I just trimmed the back, and sides a bit.  Gave him the lid to the honey jar.  And an extra comb to chew on.  We survived.  And he, of course, looks adorable. 

We've enjoyed the weather slowly becoming warmer and more sunny.  This week it's almost summer.... even grilled once already, feeling another grilling session coming on soon.  Going to the playground, adventures through the neighborhood, and discovering a huge pile of dirt in the backyard (aka: the construction site) so dig through....

And staying busy inside too.  Anjun has little mechanics (the little orange men above) that repair his cars... with our car search recently and a couple trips to the shop he now frequently talks about changing summer and winter tires, broken engines and whatnot.

Meanwhile Marlo wants to help with everything even if it's totally not age appropriate.  Cute.  And difficult at times. 

Otherwise we've re-arranged, painted some in the apartment and I think I'm ready for spring cleaning.  Just waiting for the motivation.  Maybe my upcoming Dr. appointment will do it - gotta slowly start getting projects done before baby comes.

We hope your spring is also beginning to bloom... much love to you all!

The Weddings

Man, have we been busy....

oh my.....

So, my intentions to take a few months off, perhaps a summer break, has now turned into half a year of not doing the blog.


 NO WAY!


There's no use in playing catch up.  Let's just start from this moment, a good practice for me. 


Needless to say we've been busy.

But who isn't with two small kids??  Our days are packed, just doing all the normal things.  And they're just going to get busier -hint hint-....

I've never really caught up after getting back from India... my inbox still has dozens of emails unopened... projects started or dreamed of.... heck, the Christmas tree is still up!

 The weather here has been cold, but not cold enough to snow... I know, I know... most of you reading this in the states might be jealous - but I can tell you, a winter (especially the holidays) without snow (ok, we had snow ONE day) is just wrong.  Without the nice dusting of snow covering all the dead things it's totally different.  I think we can all agree something in between the excessive snow/cold in the states and the lack of it here is a nice compromise. 

 Otherwise the pic above and the few below sum up the boys at the moment.  Marlo is FULL on in imitation phase.  And he can manage to accomplish most things Anjun can... crawling up on things

 here they are in the car both simultaneously pulling on the seat belts....

One sits down at the base of the stairs to take shoes off, and so does the other!  As you can see, and imagine, this is ADORABLY cute.  And sometimes annoying. 

 

 

They even have moments where they share, or do something sweet for each other.  Notice I said "moments".  Unfortunately it's still not the norm.  But getting much better...

But if you've made it this far, and are actually reading and not just cruising through to look at all the cute pics of the fam (which is also ok) then you get a little surprise.  Earlier I said it's just going to get busier... no, I'm not just talking about a spring full of projects and trips... summer with visitors and in the fall Anjun starting Kindergarten.... soon Sebastian and I will be outnumbered!  

That's right, baby number 3 will arrive in August!!!!!

And we couldn't be happier!!!!  or more tired :)

For those of you interested, this pregnancy has been totally different than my previous... with Anjun and Marlo I had absolutely NO morning sickness.... With this one I had it quite bad.  So bad I thought I had a virus.   Otherwise I'm plagued with exhaustion.  Not necessarily could fall asleep at any moment exhaustion (don't get me wrong, I have been known to fall asleep at basically the same time the kids went to bed) but overall more like a complete drain of energy. 

Once I make it to the end of the day, dinner settles in my stomach, and my body lets me know that it's done all it can.  That's it.  Lay down... rest... which, I must say, with a 3 year old and 1 1/2 old is IMPOSSIBLE. 

I promise I'll keep the blog up, at least until the baby comes.... then we'll see :)


LOVE
The Weddings