Tuesday, October 21, 2014

This is going to be a long one....

My baby girl died. 

Just had my thyroid removed. 

Allow me to explain.

First, my little girl.  I began to have contractions on a Tuesday, off and on... not so intense.  At some point in the night they stopped.  I thought, 'either my baby comes soon or it'll be another week or two'.  I was 38 weeks pregnant.  Wednesday it was clear, the contractions started again and got longer, stronger and closer together. 
At about 3 or 4pm we headed to the birth center.  Excited to meet our baby soon.  We didn't know if we were having a boy or a girl.  I was so happy to be in labor.
After about an hour at the birth house it was clear we had to go to the hospital.  In this hour at the birthing center I must have hear a hundred times, 'I just have to find the heart beat Stacy, lets try this'... Didn't click that something might be wrong.  I was in labor land as it's been called. 

Honestly, I thought, 'just come on and find the stupid heart beat, and leave me alone to do my thing!'
Then at the hospital, pretty much fully dilated and between contractions they told me, my baby has died. 
About an hour later she was born.  A baby girl.  I wanted to be happy.  But I stayed in a state of shock for maybe 24 hours or so. 
LOTS of crying.


 A sadness and weeping that I had never known before would come and go.  I've heard people say before that loosing a child is the worst thing that could ever happen to someone.  Now I believe it.  Not so say I've experienced all the sorrow and devastating situations the world has to offer and death of a child was on the top.  I've had a relatively happy life full of first world problems.  But now, now I've experienced something that took me to horrible, nightmare like depths - but also brought with it an openness... a new perspective.  But mostly, I cry.

  On my way to trying to start to heal, recover, accept and move forward.  I was walking to my in-laws house.  Maybe I scratched my neck... maybe I just put my hand up on my throat for some other reason.  I felt a huge ball.  Like, golf ball sized but flattened and softer.  Panic froze me for a moment.  Even pulled my hand away.  Felt it again.  Yup, something is there.  Still.
  
Went that afternoon to my general practitioner, next day to a specialist, back to general practitioner, met a surgeon at a recommended hospital in Bonn.  Scheduled surgery.  Everyone was very clear.  I should have surgery, it's not commonly cancerous- but just to be sure.
I had, this whole time, a huge resistance to having surgery.  HUGE.  I wanted to go through this life without someone cutting me open, doing something/removing something, and closing me back up.  I would have liked to stay 'whole' as it were.  Who cares if I have some lump in my throat?  Dr.'s told me OVER 95% of these cysts aren't cancerous.
   
But, despite this huge resistance, I knew I would have the surgery.  And should have it.  Even a homeopathic practitioner and non-medical practitioner (natural healer) told me that sometimes surgery is the best.

OK, fine.  I show up to the hospital, expecting to sit around until afternoon when it's my turn.  Nope, I show up at just past 7am and am taken down to surgery at 7:25.  I'm reminded of being in the hospital for Saranda's birth and freak out a little bit.  A few times. 

I wake up and a few hours later meet the surgeon.  Should have known when he started with "At first everything went as planned...". 

(Did you hear that, 'At first...'?) 

Tumor.  Cancer.  Papillary carcinoma.  Whole thyroid and 7 lymph nodes were removed.  Somewhere in there he literally said "but this is the best cancer you can have".  Did he really say that?
You see, this cancer is, with radioactive iodine therapy, 97% treatable (some say higher numbers).  One of the best treatment rates with cancer.  But from the beginning I was given those same high numbers in percentages that it wouldn't be cancer in the first place!  PLUS, I have a general distrust of the medical field, seeing as how they are unfortunately influenced way too much by pharmaceuticals and, well, money. 

Sebastian and I are, I would say, very health conscious.  We have a green juice every day, eat only organic foods, barely any processed foods, no GMO foods - heck we even have an earthing mat we sleep on and avoid dairy and I only occasionally eat meat.

We've also learned about: intermittent fasting/High Intensity Interval Training, raw food benefits, avoiding all sugars (not just white, refined sugar but also fructose/fruit and carbohydrates), avoiding cosmetics and other poisons in -for example- fabrics, eating superfoods, affirmations, oil pulling, the power of yoga and meditation.... just to name a few.  Heck, we want to build an earthship, grow all our own foods and live off the grid (producing all our own energy).  

But now, I have a strong desire to incorporate all of this, 100% into my life.  I was more like a 50-80% before.  One of the things that changes when you have a family/loved one.... you start to live for them.  I don't want to leave my children.  Not yet.  So I will get second, maybe third opinions from the medical field - and take what non-biased advice I can find.  Ask lots of questions.  Research studies and look at who paid for said studies.  Follow conventional/medical therapies that are proven to work, but also include supplements, natural remedies, therapies and whatever else I can find (and afford) so as to heal more holistically.

I told you this would be long!

Thank you for reading.  I can't believe the love/notes/thoughts I've been surrounded with these past few months.  I am humbled by those who take a moment, just to leave a quick comment, note, email... say a prayer, send good thoughts - just for little ol' me.  I can't express with words how much each and every one of them means to me.

Love you all.

Stacy




   

Links for all that stuff I mentioned Sebas and I have learned about, in case you want to learn more too:
Natural cures vs Medical cures (free screening):  http://www.thesacredscience.com/screening1/

raw food/superfoods - http://www.thebestofrawfood.com/super-foods.html  -or-  www.davidwolfe.com  -or-  www.longevitywarehouse.com
earthship - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jnkv_qj1xUc
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